Everyone Has Issues

I have issues. I'm sure everyone has their own back story of things that have molded who they are. In light of recent events, it has become clear that I have issues I wasn't even aware of. I'm not looking for sympathy from anyone. It's a part of life. Earlier today, I got into a heated discussion with a family member that bought me to tears literally. Of course at that time a co worker had to see me crying. Anyway, we got into a discussion and I kept saying "yeah I'm just weird like that. I don't do things people my age do. I have no social skills. I'd rather read a book at home than party. I don't know how to flirt. I'm anti-social if I don't know people. I wear my emotions all over my face. I'm weird." They kept asking me why do you keep calling yourself weird? You are who you are. (Not in those exact words, but you follow me.) So I thought why DO I keep calling myself weird?? Clearly it has been on my mind all day as it is 230 A.M. and I'm blogging about it. I feel like I have no one to talk to who would understand, and I need to get my mind clear. So congrats, readers! I've picked you! Why does this make me weird? I remember when I was younger and this family member would show up. My entire mood would change. I HATED when she visited because I knew she would take everything out on me for whatever reason. She made fun of me for being quiet, for not sharing every aspect of my life with her. Unlike her tell all attitude, I have always been more reserved and private. I don't think everyone should know about my personal life, and especially not someone that I don't like. It might sound messed up, but we all have family members we don't particularly care for. Anyway, after years and years of being her "whipping boy" of sorts, her words stuck with me. I AM weird. Everything I did she criticized. If I was walking around the house with my hands balled up, she always said "why are you walking around like that?? Do you have something in your hands?? Then stop it!" It wasn't something I was consciously doing. It's just what I did. But if I was comfortable doing it, why did she find the need to always criticize me? At a young age, things like that stick with you.The fat comments I endured from her coming up stuck with me also. But that is another story altogether. So I embraced the fact that I was "weird" because she said I was. Surely everyone else had to be thinking the same thing. Her criticizing made me even more of a recluse. I was afraid to say anything that would draw attention to myself around friends because I thought I would be made fun of. I cared all the time about what other people thought of me for a very long time. I always had a chip on my shoulder, and even the littlest thing would set me off. Lump all this in with daddy issues, mom issues, being very sensitive, and trust issues, and you have a seriously messed up individual.  But the truth of the matter is by letting all these things affect me, I was giving them power. Power to control me and not even know that they were doing it! Being able to bring me to tears with hurtful words because she KNOWS how sensitive I am. When I moved out on my own, no one had my back. They told me I would fail and that I couldn't handle it on my own. I'd be back with my aunt in a year, if that. In my mind, I HAD to move out. Not only because I wanted my own space, but because I thought it was time. My grandparents to me in and raised me and they didn't have to. Now I'm at a place in my life where I can stand on my own two feet and take care of myself, and most importantly, it's my turn to take care of them. They did a job they didn't have to do. I don't ask people for help. If I'm without, then I'm without. It's been my experience that when you ask people for help they reply in one of two ways: they either help you out and tell everyone how desperately you needed them, or help you out and constantly throw it in your face when you can't do something for them. So I'd rather struggle if I have to. My family takes it as me being stand offish and selfish. I call it being independent. Guess it's all in perception. Anyway, back to this family member: she loves to stir up drama. I didn't realize it, but she is an angry person. Never married, no children, and her license plate lets everyone know how mean she is, literally. So not only is she angry, but she wants everyone else to be angry too. Misery loves company. But I refuse to let her make me miserable anymore. So to her, I forgive you for all the years of teasing and attacking you put me through that I took to heart, and I hope you come across this. I'm taking my power back. I forgive everyone who has wronged me and molded me into this confused, hurt person. To have someone I haven't known for long tell me that they can tell I carry my past with me just by how I walk, stand, is an eye opener. Even looking in my eyes. It's all there. I don't talk. If I'm angry, you know it. And most of the time, I am angry over ANYTHING. It's time to let all of that go. All of this goes to say if you have a grudge against anyone, it is truly tiime to let it go because it is destroying you. I know that after today's events. Do whatever you have to do. Medititation and prayer is an excellent start. It's not going to be an overnight cure, but it will start the process. So, I say this to everyone who wronged me: I forgive you. Exes, my dad, my aunt, fake friends, even the people who refer to me as the "white girl" or "the weirdo" I forgive you too, and I pray that you all find what it is you are lacking. To those of you reading this going through something similar, you won't find peace until you are honest with yourself. It's time to let it all go. I am grateful for this discussion because it bought some much to light that I didn't know was there. This is me. I'm not ashamed to put it out there. People will judge you regardless of what you do. That's just human nature, but I'm not afraid to show my true self.  I'm starting from a clean slate today. -NaturallyNikki

Thoughts of a Fat Girl

I'm about to get real with y'all and take you something that even my closest friends didn't know. 35 pounds ago I hated myself, and I was in denial. I hated that people always made assumptions about me. You know how people think about those who aren't the "normal" size. I just had to be unhealthy. I had to be pre-diabetic from all the fatty foods I ate. I never did any sort of physical activity and I was fat because I didn't like to do anything but sit home, eat and watch tv. If I had a boyfriend it was because he was using me because I felt I had to overcompensate for my lack of thinness. Why else would he be with me?  The sad part of the situation was that I was thinking the same thing about myself. While I wasn't a bad eater in any sense, my physical activity (or lack of it) left a lot to be desired. But one day I woke up and I realized I was just tired. Tired of making excuses and accepting them. I'm sure everyone who has struggled with their weight has thought the same excuses: "my mom was/is heavy. I only look bigger because my boobs are so big. I'm not THAT big plus I carry my weight well." Ladies and gentleman, these are excuses of acceptance. I don't care what your opinion is, this is the TRUTH. Now, if you are comfortable with your body, I am in no way trying to tell you that you need to lose weight. This was a personal decision. I got tired of being exhausted all of the time from dragging around 200+ plus pounds. I got tired of outgrowing my clothes and seeing my size constantly go up. But what I hated most, as shallow as this may seem, is going out with my girlfriends (who I love deeply, don't get me wrong) and having men approaching them and I just be standing there waiting for them to wrap their game up, get the number or rejection so we could keep it moving. I always felt out of place like I was blocking. But you know girl code. I don't know this guy, she doesn't know this guy, so why would I leave her alone with this stranger? So i just stood there feeling like a body guard. On many occassions. I was always the girl with plenty of male friends. To this day I have a lot of male friends. Why? I can't tell you. Most of them I grew up with so its the norm. But for the men I have as friends that I met within the last few years, I was automatically friend zoned. I didn't like them as more than a friend anyway, but I always wondered what made me the perfect homegirl? To this day I don't know the answer, but that is neither here nor there. The point I'm making is I got tired of thinking what the next person was thinking about me. I was physically uncomfortable. I noticed things that used to be easy for me like walking up the stairs or even getting off the couch was difficult. This was partly because of my torn knee I got from a car accident, but I can't blame it all on that injury. I knew deep down my knee wouldn't hurt so bad if I didn't have all the weight on me that I did. So I started making little changes. I walked to and  from work and when my body got used to that I started working out in the morning for 20 minutes in addition to the walking. I started going to the grocery store and buying healthy food. In my past you would have never caught me in the produce section. I HATE oranges, strawberries, plums. I just don't like fruit. But I eat it now because I know what my goal is. I didn't favor vegetables much either but I have to admit I'm getting used to them. If you told me 4 months ago I would be cooking all my meals and eating salad willingly, I'd probably laugh in your face. My version of eating salad was eating all the meat out of it and throwing out the lettuce. Now I can take the stairs with no problem. I love cardio. Jogging is the easiest part of my workout. I see my body shrinking, and my self esteem is going up. When I'm out I'm turning heads. I noticed men watching me lately, smiling at me, and to be honest with you, I thought it was something wrong. I rushed in to work and checked to see if my skirt was hiked up. Thought I didn't wash my face. I was really frustrated because I couldn't figure out WHAT they were staring at! And if you know me, I get upset when people stare at me, because I used to be so self conscious. I'm still trying to break out of that. I sat down at my desk and looked at some recent pictures of myself and realized they were staring at me. The new me. The one who is happy, and becoming more comfortable with herself. I don't think it had to do with the weight. I think it was the fact that with the weight I was miserable, angry, confused, and tired of being ignored. But all of these were my fault. I don't believe people are as superficial as I thought they were in my head. I just thought I wasn't good enough. But the truth of the matter is if I were still 35 pounds heavier with the confidence I have now, I would probably be getting the same positive feedback I get from men now. When I decided to lose weight, men was honestly not a huge reason. I wanted to shape up because of my cruise I am going on with my family. I figured I'd be in a lot of pictures and didn't want to have to tell someone "oh no. delete that one. I look a mess." Or go to the Caribbean sweating like a pig because of the excess weight. I just decided enough was enough! I wanted to be able to go out and enjoy myself and not think about how I look while I'm doing it. I have been here before. This isn't my first undertaking at losing weight. But this IS the first time where I realize this is not a temporary fix. This is truly a lifestyle change. I know it sounds cliche, but it's the truth. I'm not gonna eat healthy all year and then say "okay. cruise is over my pictures look great. Now I want a cheesesteak. Lets do it!" This is how I should be all the time. In my past, if I worked harded and gained weight, I would just say "oh well. screw it. If I'm not gonna lose weight, I might as well eat what I want." Now my mentality is different. I only lost one pound this week. At first I was disappointed in myself because I know I didn't work out as hard as I should have, and ate some things I shouldn't have. But I thought why should I be mad? Tomorrow is a new day, and an off day is expected. This isn't going to be easy. Working out every morning and evening, and having to turn down food you love is difficult. I know I make it look easy from the outside looking in, but it isn't. But I remember how happy I feel when I see the scale drop on weigh in day and that piece of cake, or buffalo wing, etc just doesn't seem important. Not to say I don't let myself indulge. Every sunday I allow myself one meal of what I want. Whether it be chinese, chicken wings, whatever. I don't feel guilty because it's one meal. It stops me from binging and doesn't completely undo my week. Now, if you are reading this looking for tips, let me clarify this for you. ONE MEAL a week. Not all day sunday. One unhealthy meal on sunday. And when I say a meal, that means I eat until I'm full, not overstuffed and falling asleep! If you want to incorporate a cheat meal, I say go for it. It does you more good than harm, and my weight doesnt go up. But a meal is a sandwich. Or 2 pieces of chicken. Not a whole platter. Don't go overboard. The point of the cheat meal is to give yourself a taste of what you haven't eaten in a while, so you won't pig out later. Wan't dominos? Go for it. Get a sandwich. Don't get the sandwich, ten wings, and a diet soda. See what I mean? So my cheat meal last me for three days. You don't have to eat completely healthy to lose weight, you have to control your portions. I just choose to go the healthy route. So here is the reality. A look inside my thoughts. No, weight does not define you, but I let it hold me back, and I'm happier now that I'm losing it. I am excited with my progress. It truly is a journey, and I'm ready to do what I need to do! -NaturallyNikki