I'm about to get real with y'all and take you something that even my closest friends didn't know. 35 pounds ago I hated myself, and I was in denial. I hated that people always made assumptions about me. You know how people think about those who aren't the "normal" size. I just had to be unhealthy. I had to be pre-diabetic from all the fatty foods I ate. I never did any sort of physical activity and I was fat because I didn't like to do anything but sit home, eat and watch tv. If I had a boyfriend it was because he was using me because I felt I had to overcompensate for my lack of thinness. Why else would he be with me? The sad part of the situation was that I was thinking the same thing about myself. While I wasn't a bad eater in any sense, my physical activity (or lack of it) left a lot to be desired. But one day I woke up and I realized I was just tired. Tired of making excuses and accepting them. I'm sure everyone who has struggled with their weight has thought the same excuses: "my mom was/is heavy. I only look bigger because my boobs are so big. I'm not THAT big plus I carry my weight well." Ladies and gentleman, these are excuses of acceptance. I don't care what your opinion is, this is the TRUTH. Now, if you are comfortable with your body, I am in no way trying to tell you that you need to lose weight. This was a personal decision. I got tired of being exhausted all of the time from dragging around 200+ plus pounds. I got tired of outgrowing my clothes and seeing my size constantly go up. But what I hated most, as shallow as this may seem, is going out with my girlfriends (who I love deeply, don't get me wrong) and having men approaching them and I just be standing there waiting for them to wrap their game up, get the number or rejection so we could keep it moving. I always felt out of place like I was blocking. But you know girl code. I don't know this guy, she doesn't know this guy, so why would I leave her alone with this stranger? So i just stood there feeling like a body guard. On many occassions. I was always the girl with plenty of male friends. To this day I have a lot of male friends. Why? I can't tell you. Most of them I grew up with so its the norm. But for the men I have as friends that I met within the last few years, I was automatically friend zoned. I didn't like them as more than a friend anyway, but I always wondered what made me the perfect homegirl? To this day I don't know the answer, but that is neither here nor there. The point I'm making is I got tired of thinking what the next person was thinking about me. I was physically uncomfortable. I noticed things that used to be easy for me like walking up the stairs or even getting off the couch was difficult. This was partly because of my torn knee I got from a car accident, but I can't blame it all on that injury. I knew deep down my knee wouldn't hurt so bad if I didn't have all the weight on me that I did. So I started making little changes. I walked to and from work and when my body got used to that I started working out in the morning for 20 minutes in addition to the walking. I started going to the grocery store and buying healthy food. In my past you would have never caught me in the produce section. I HATE oranges, strawberries, plums. I just don't like fruit. But I eat it now because I know what my goal is. I didn't favor vegetables much either but I have to admit I'm getting used to them. If you told me 4 months ago I would be cooking all my meals and eating salad willingly, I'd probably laugh in your face. My version of eating salad was eating all the meat out of it and throwing out the lettuce. Now I can take the stairs with no problem. I love cardio. Jogging is the easiest part of my workout. I see my body shrinking, and my self esteem is going up. When I'm out I'm turning heads. I noticed men watching me lately, smiling at me, and to be honest with you, I thought it was something wrong. I rushed in to work and checked to see if my skirt was hiked up. Thought I didn't wash my face. I was really frustrated because I couldn't figure out WHAT they were staring at! And if you know me, I get upset when people stare at me, because I used to be so self conscious. I'm still trying to break out of that. I sat down at my desk and looked at some recent pictures of myself and realized they were staring at me. The new me. The one who is happy, and becoming more comfortable with herself. I don't think it had to do with the weight. I think it was the fact that with the weight I was miserable, angry, confused, and tired of being ignored. But all of these were my fault. I don't believe people are as superficial as I thought they were in my head. I just thought I wasn't good enough. But the truth of the matter is if I were still 35 pounds heavier with the confidence I have now, I would probably be getting the same positive feedback I get from men now. When I decided to lose weight, men was honestly not a huge reason. I wanted to shape up because of my cruise I am going on with my family. I figured I'd be in a lot of pictures and didn't want to have to tell someone "oh no. delete that one. I look a mess." Or go to the Caribbean sweating like a pig because of the excess weight. I just decided enough was enough! I wanted to be able to go out and enjoy myself and not think about how I look while I'm doing it. I have been here before. This isn't my first undertaking at losing weight. But this IS the first time where I realize this is not a temporary fix. This is truly a lifestyle change. I know it sounds cliche, but it's the truth. I'm not gonna eat healthy all year and then say "okay. cruise is over my pictures look great. Now I want a cheesesteak. Lets do it!" This is how I should be all the time. In my past, if I worked harded and gained weight, I would just say "oh well. screw it. If I'm not gonna lose weight, I might as well eat what I want." Now my mentality is different. I only lost one pound this week. At first I was disappointed in myself because I know I didn't work out as hard as I should have, and ate some things I shouldn't have. But I thought why should I be mad? Tomorrow is a new day, and an off day is expected. This isn't going to be easy. Working out every morning and evening, and having to turn down food you love is difficult. I know I make it look easy from the outside looking in, but it isn't. But I remember how happy I feel when I see the scale drop on weigh in day and that piece of cake, or buffalo wing, etc just doesn't seem important. Not to say I don't let myself indulge. Every sunday I allow myself one meal of what I want. Whether it be chinese, chicken wings, whatever. I don't feel guilty because it's one meal. It stops me from binging and doesn't completely undo my week. Now, if you are reading this looking for tips, let me clarify this for you. ONE MEAL a week. Not all day sunday. One unhealthy meal on sunday. And when I say a meal, that means I eat until I'm full, not overstuffed and falling asleep! If you want to incorporate a cheat meal, I say go for it. It does you more good than harm, and my weight doesnt go up. But a meal is a sandwich. Or 2 pieces of chicken. Not a whole platter. Don't go overboard. The point of the cheat meal is to give yourself a taste of what you haven't eaten in a while, so you won't pig out later. Wan't dominos? Go for it. Get a sandwich. Don't get the sandwich, ten wings, and a diet soda. See what I mean? So my cheat meal last me for three days. You don't have to eat completely healthy to lose weight, you have to control your portions. I just choose to go the healthy route. So here is the reality. A look inside my thoughts. No, weight does not define you, but I let it hold me back, and I'm happier now that I'm losing it. I am excited with my progress. It truly is a journey, and I'm ready to do what I need to do! -NaturallyNikki
