I have issues. I'm sure everyone has their own back story of things that have molded who they are. In light of recent events, it has become clear that I have issues I wasn't even aware of. I'm not looking for sympathy from anyone. It's a part of life. Earlier today, I got into a heated discussion with a family member that bought me to tears literally. Of course at that time a co worker had to see me crying. Anyway, we got into a discussion and I kept saying "yeah I'm just weird like that. I don't do things people my age do. I have no social skills. I'd rather read a book at home than party. I don't know how to flirt. I'm anti-social if I don't know people. I wear my emotions all over my face. I'm weird." They kept asking me why do you keep calling yourself weird? You are who you are. (Not in those exact words, but you follow me.) So I thought why DO I keep calling myself weird?? Clearly it has been on my mind all day as it is 230 A.M. and I'm blogging about it. I feel like I have no one to talk to who would understand, and I need to get my mind clear. So congrats, readers! I've picked you! Why does this make me weird? I remember when I was younger and this family member would show up. My entire mood would change. I HATED when she visited because I knew she would take everything out on me for whatever reason. She made fun of me for being quiet, for not sharing every aspect of my life with her. Unlike her tell all attitude, I have always been more reserved and private. I don't think everyone should know about my personal life, and especially not someone that I don't like. It might sound messed up, but we all have family members we don't particularly care for. Anyway, after years and years of being her "whipping boy" of sorts, her words stuck with me. I AM weird. Everything I did she criticized. If I was walking around the house with my hands balled up, she always said "why are you walking around like that?? Do you have something in your hands?? Then stop it!" It wasn't something I was consciously doing. It's just what I did. But if I was comfortable doing it, why did she find the need to always criticize me? At a young age, things like that stick with you.The fat comments I endured from her coming up stuck with me also. But that is another story altogether. So I embraced the fact that I was "weird" because she said I was. Surely everyone else had to be thinking the same thing. Her criticizing made me even more of a recluse. I was afraid to say anything that would draw attention to myself around friends because I thought I would be made fun of. I cared all the time about what other people thought of me for a very long time. I always had a chip on my shoulder, and even the littlest thing would set me off. Lump all this in with daddy issues, mom issues, being very sensitive, and trust issues, and you have a seriously messed up individual. But the truth of the matter is by letting all these things affect me, I was giving them power. Power to control me and not even know that they were doing it! Being able to bring me to tears with hurtful words because she KNOWS how sensitive I am. When I moved out on my own, no one had my back. They told me I would fail and that I couldn't handle it on my own. I'd be back with my aunt in a year, if that. In my mind, I HAD to move out. Not only because I wanted my own space, but because I thought it was time. My grandparents to me in and raised me and they didn't have to. Now I'm at a place in my life where I can stand on my own two feet and take care of myself, and most importantly, it's my turn to take care of them. They did a job they didn't have to do. I don't ask people for help. If I'm without, then I'm without. It's been my experience that when you ask people for help they reply in one of two ways: they either help you out and tell everyone how desperately you needed them, or help you out and constantly throw it in your face when you can't do something for them. So I'd rather struggle if I have to. My family takes it as me being stand offish and selfish. I call it being independent. Guess it's all in perception. Anyway, back to this family member: she loves to stir up drama. I didn't realize it, but she is an angry person. Never married, no children, and her license plate lets everyone know how mean she is, literally. So not only is she angry, but she wants everyone else to be angry too. Misery loves company. But I refuse to let her make me miserable anymore. So to her, I forgive you for all the years of teasing and attacking you put me through that I took to heart, and I hope you come across this. I'm taking my power back. I forgive everyone who has wronged me and molded me into this confused, hurt person. To have someone I haven't known for long tell me that they can tell I carry my past with me just by how I walk, stand, is an eye opener. Even looking in my eyes. It's all there. I don't talk. If I'm angry, you know it. And most of the time, I am angry over ANYTHING. It's time to let all of that go. All of this goes to say if you have a grudge against anyone, it is truly tiime to let it go because it is destroying you. I know that after today's events. Do whatever you have to do. Medititation and prayer is an excellent start. It's not going to be an overnight cure, but it will start the process. So, I say this to everyone who wronged me: I forgive you. Exes, my dad, my aunt, fake friends, even the people who refer to me as the "white girl" or "the weirdo" I forgive you too, and I pray that you all find what it is you are lacking. To those of you reading this going through something similar, you won't find peace until you are honest with yourself. It's time to let it all go. I am grateful for this discussion because it bought some much to light that I didn't know was there. This is me. I'm not ashamed to put it out there. People will judge you regardless of what you do. That's just human nature, but I'm not afraid to show my true self. I'm starting from a clean slate today. -NaturallyNikki
