Everyone Has Issues

I have issues. I'm sure everyone has their own back story of things that have molded who they are. In light of recent events, it has become clear that I have issues I wasn't even aware of. I'm not looking for sympathy from anyone. It's a part of life. Earlier today, I got into a heated discussion with a family member that bought me to tears literally. Of course at that time a co worker had to see me crying. Anyway, we got into a discussion and I kept saying "yeah I'm just weird like that. I don't do things people my age do. I have no social skills. I'd rather read a book at home than party. I don't know how to flirt. I'm anti-social if I don't know people. I wear my emotions all over my face. I'm weird." They kept asking me why do you keep calling yourself weird? You are who you are. (Not in those exact words, but you follow me.) So I thought why DO I keep calling myself weird?? Clearly it has been on my mind all day as it is 230 A.M. and I'm blogging about it. I feel like I have no one to talk to who would understand, and I need to get my mind clear. So congrats, readers! I've picked you! Why does this make me weird? I remember when I was younger and this family member would show up. My entire mood would change. I HATED when she visited because I knew she would take everything out on me for whatever reason. She made fun of me for being quiet, for not sharing every aspect of my life with her. Unlike her tell all attitude, I have always been more reserved and private. I don't think everyone should know about my personal life, and especially not someone that I don't like. It might sound messed up, but we all have family members we don't particularly care for. Anyway, after years and years of being her "whipping boy" of sorts, her words stuck with me. I AM weird. Everything I did she criticized. If I was walking around the house with my hands balled up, she always said "why are you walking around like that?? Do you have something in your hands?? Then stop it!" It wasn't something I was consciously doing. It's just what I did. But if I was comfortable doing it, why did she find the need to always criticize me? At a young age, things like that stick with you.The fat comments I endured from her coming up stuck with me also. But that is another story altogether. So I embraced the fact that I was "weird" because she said I was. Surely everyone else had to be thinking the same thing. Her criticizing made me even more of a recluse. I was afraid to say anything that would draw attention to myself around friends because I thought I would be made fun of. I cared all the time about what other people thought of me for a very long time. I always had a chip on my shoulder, and even the littlest thing would set me off. Lump all this in with daddy issues, mom issues, being very sensitive, and trust issues, and you have a seriously messed up individual.  But the truth of the matter is by letting all these things affect me, I was giving them power. Power to control me and not even know that they were doing it! Being able to bring me to tears with hurtful words because she KNOWS how sensitive I am. When I moved out on my own, no one had my back. They told me I would fail and that I couldn't handle it on my own. I'd be back with my aunt in a year, if that. In my mind, I HAD to move out. Not only because I wanted my own space, but because I thought it was time. My grandparents to me in and raised me and they didn't have to. Now I'm at a place in my life where I can stand on my own two feet and take care of myself, and most importantly, it's my turn to take care of them. They did a job they didn't have to do. I don't ask people for help. If I'm without, then I'm without. It's been my experience that when you ask people for help they reply in one of two ways: they either help you out and tell everyone how desperately you needed them, or help you out and constantly throw it in your face when you can't do something for them. So I'd rather struggle if I have to. My family takes it as me being stand offish and selfish. I call it being independent. Guess it's all in perception. Anyway, back to this family member: she loves to stir up drama. I didn't realize it, but she is an angry person. Never married, no children, and her license plate lets everyone know how mean she is, literally. So not only is she angry, but she wants everyone else to be angry too. Misery loves company. But I refuse to let her make me miserable anymore. So to her, I forgive you for all the years of teasing and attacking you put me through that I took to heart, and I hope you come across this. I'm taking my power back. I forgive everyone who has wronged me and molded me into this confused, hurt person. To have someone I haven't known for long tell me that they can tell I carry my past with me just by how I walk, stand, is an eye opener. Even looking in my eyes. It's all there. I don't talk. If I'm angry, you know it. And most of the time, I am angry over ANYTHING. It's time to let all of that go. All of this goes to say if you have a grudge against anyone, it is truly tiime to let it go because it is destroying you. I know that after today's events. Do whatever you have to do. Medititation and prayer is an excellent start. It's not going to be an overnight cure, but it will start the process. So, I say this to everyone who wronged me: I forgive you. Exes, my dad, my aunt, fake friends, even the people who refer to me as the "white girl" or "the weirdo" I forgive you too, and I pray that you all find what it is you are lacking. To those of you reading this going through something similar, you won't find peace until you are honest with yourself. It's time to let it all go. I am grateful for this discussion because it bought some much to light that I didn't know was there. This is me. I'm not ashamed to put it out there. People will judge you regardless of what you do. That's just human nature, but I'm not afraid to show my true self.  I'm starting from a clean slate today. -NaturallyNikki

Thoughts of a Fat Girl

I'm about to get real with y'all and take you something that even my closest friends didn't know. 35 pounds ago I hated myself, and I was in denial. I hated that people always made assumptions about me. You know how people think about those who aren't the "normal" size. I just had to be unhealthy. I had to be pre-diabetic from all the fatty foods I ate. I never did any sort of physical activity and I was fat because I didn't like to do anything but sit home, eat and watch tv. If I had a boyfriend it was because he was using me because I felt I had to overcompensate for my lack of thinness. Why else would he be with me?  The sad part of the situation was that I was thinking the same thing about myself. While I wasn't a bad eater in any sense, my physical activity (or lack of it) left a lot to be desired. But one day I woke up and I realized I was just tired. Tired of making excuses and accepting them. I'm sure everyone who has struggled with their weight has thought the same excuses: "my mom was/is heavy. I only look bigger because my boobs are so big. I'm not THAT big plus I carry my weight well." Ladies and gentleman, these are excuses of acceptance. I don't care what your opinion is, this is the TRUTH. Now, if you are comfortable with your body, I am in no way trying to tell you that you need to lose weight. This was a personal decision. I got tired of being exhausted all of the time from dragging around 200+ plus pounds. I got tired of outgrowing my clothes and seeing my size constantly go up. But what I hated most, as shallow as this may seem, is going out with my girlfriends (who I love deeply, don't get me wrong) and having men approaching them and I just be standing there waiting for them to wrap their game up, get the number or rejection so we could keep it moving. I always felt out of place like I was blocking. But you know girl code. I don't know this guy, she doesn't know this guy, so why would I leave her alone with this stranger? So i just stood there feeling like a body guard. On many occassions. I was always the girl with plenty of male friends. To this day I have a lot of male friends. Why? I can't tell you. Most of them I grew up with so its the norm. But for the men I have as friends that I met within the last few years, I was automatically friend zoned. I didn't like them as more than a friend anyway, but I always wondered what made me the perfect homegirl? To this day I don't know the answer, but that is neither here nor there. The point I'm making is I got tired of thinking what the next person was thinking about me. I was physically uncomfortable. I noticed things that used to be easy for me like walking up the stairs or even getting off the couch was difficult. This was partly because of my torn knee I got from a car accident, but I can't blame it all on that injury. I knew deep down my knee wouldn't hurt so bad if I didn't have all the weight on me that I did. So I started making little changes. I walked to and  from work and when my body got used to that I started working out in the morning for 20 minutes in addition to the walking. I started going to the grocery store and buying healthy food. In my past you would have never caught me in the produce section. I HATE oranges, strawberries, plums. I just don't like fruit. But I eat it now because I know what my goal is. I didn't favor vegetables much either but I have to admit I'm getting used to them. If you told me 4 months ago I would be cooking all my meals and eating salad willingly, I'd probably laugh in your face. My version of eating salad was eating all the meat out of it and throwing out the lettuce. Now I can take the stairs with no problem. I love cardio. Jogging is the easiest part of my workout. I see my body shrinking, and my self esteem is going up. When I'm out I'm turning heads. I noticed men watching me lately, smiling at me, and to be honest with you, I thought it was something wrong. I rushed in to work and checked to see if my skirt was hiked up. Thought I didn't wash my face. I was really frustrated because I couldn't figure out WHAT they were staring at! And if you know me, I get upset when people stare at me, because I used to be so self conscious. I'm still trying to break out of that. I sat down at my desk and looked at some recent pictures of myself and realized they were staring at me. The new me. The one who is happy, and becoming more comfortable with herself. I don't think it had to do with the weight. I think it was the fact that with the weight I was miserable, angry, confused, and tired of being ignored. But all of these were my fault. I don't believe people are as superficial as I thought they were in my head. I just thought I wasn't good enough. But the truth of the matter is if I were still 35 pounds heavier with the confidence I have now, I would probably be getting the same positive feedback I get from men now. When I decided to lose weight, men was honestly not a huge reason. I wanted to shape up because of my cruise I am going on with my family. I figured I'd be in a lot of pictures and didn't want to have to tell someone "oh no. delete that one. I look a mess." Or go to the Caribbean sweating like a pig because of the excess weight. I just decided enough was enough! I wanted to be able to go out and enjoy myself and not think about how I look while I'm doing it. I have been here before. This isn't my first undertaking at losing weight. But this IS the first time where I realize this is not a temporary fix. This is truly a lifestyle change. I know it sounds cliche, but it's the truth. I'm not gonna eat healthy all year and then say "okay. cruise is over my pictures look great. Now I want a cheesesteak. Lets do it!" This is how I should be all the time. In my past, if I worked harded and gained weight, I would just say "oh well. screw it. If I'm not gonna lose weight, I might as well eat what I want." Now my mentality is different. I only lost one pound this week. At first I was disappointed in myself because I know I didn't work out as hard as I should have, and ate some things I shouldn't have. But I thought why should I be mad? Tomorrow is a new day, and an off day is expected. This isn't going to be easy. Working out every morning and evening, and having to turn down food you love is difficult. I know I make it look easy from the outside looking in, but it isn't. But I remember how happy I feel when I see the scale drop on weigh in day and that piece of cake, or buffalo wing, etc just doesn't seem important. Not to say I don't let myself indulge. Every sunday I allow myself one meal of what I want. Whether it be chinese, chicken wings, whatever. I don't feel guilty because it's one meal. It stops me from binging and doesn't completely undo my week. Now, if you are reading this looking for tips, let me clarify this for you. ONE MEAL a week. Not all day sunday. One unhealthy meal on sunday. And when I say a meal, that means I eat until I'm full, not overstuffed and falling asleep! If you want to incorporate a cheat meal, I say go for it. It does you more good than harm, and my weight doesnt go up. But a meal is a sandwich. Or 2 pieces of chicken. Not a whole platter. Don't go overboard. The point of the cheat meal is to give yourself a taste of what you haven't eaten in a while, so you won't pig out later. Wan't dominos? Go for it. Get a sandwich. Don't get the sandwich, ten wings, and a diet soda. See what I mean? So my cheat meal last me for three days. You don't have to eat completely healthy to lose weight, you have to control your portions. I just choose to go the healthy route. So here is the reality. A look inside my thoughts. No, weight does not define you, but I let it hold me back, and I'm happier now that I'm losing it. I am excited with my progress. It truly is a journey, and I'm ready to do what I need to do! -NaturallyNikki

Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man??

If you are not single right now, get down and thank God for saving you from the confusion of dating.  It is so confusing these days: who texts who first? Am I calling too much? Maybe I'm being too nice to her. Let me start giving him a hard time. Men LOVE that! After being around my girls for so long, I can't tell you how many times I have heard, "I'm about to start treating men the same way they treat me." I'm guilty of saying this at least once a month. I'm sorry, but it's true. Maybe it's a woman thing. We do tend to mature faster than men do, and I noticed men and women are on two different levels. Men love the excitement of a chase. Women (at least some women) don't like to play games. Men like a woman to keep him guessing. Women are more straight forward with what they want. How can we communicate at all??
Here's where Steve Harvey comes in: he released a book in January 2009 called Act Like a Lady, Think Like A Man, which is being released in theatres this month. If you haven't read it, it's about the games some men play, and how to counteract those games. From men, all I hear is "dang he just airing us all out. Breaking the man code!" That's neither here nor there. The question is: is there any truth to the statement? We already know that for whatever reason, men love abuse. And by abuse I mean the nice girl doesn't cut it. Sure, you can be nice to a man, let him know how much he means to you, and how much you care, but chances are you will find yourself dissed. Trust me, I've done the leg work.The book implies that a woman has to let a man know from the jump what she will and won't tolerate to "bring him up to her level". At least that is my synopsis.
While I do think the examples in this book was a little extreme, and that Steve Harvey has NO IDEA what he is talking about, he does have a point somewhat. I noticed that when a former friend of mine treated men in a disposable manner or like they were on her time, they loved it. Chased her all around Robin Hood's barn, and when she dropped them like a bad habit, they take it out on the entire female population. However, when a woman makes herself available and shows her genuine interest, I notice men either hurt her, or keep her around but play on the side with other women. Maybe it's me, but I thought men wanted good women? Whatever the case, women are getting tired. Tired of being mistreated, compared, and having to fight for a position they were already given, and are hitting men with a dose of their own medicine. And men can't handle it. For whatever reason, it is okay for men to play the games, but when a woman gets hip to it and plays the game back, we are every word in the dictionary but the name our mama gave us. So where is the middle ground? Nice girls finish last, and smart ones finish second. Chime in. Should women be acting like a lady and thinking as men, or is that confusing things further? -NaturallyNikki

WE Are Trayvon Martin

I've been waiting for days to write this post, thinking and rethinking my thoughts on such a sad, senseless matter. Trayvon Martin was a 17 year old black male with his whole future ahead of him. A young, happy man just beginning to live his life. On a trip to the store for his brother, his life ended at the hands of an overzealous, trigger happy "neighborhood watch" captain. It has recently come to light that the shooter, George Zimmerman, was not registered on any of the national neighborhood watch lists, which makes this crime even more despicable. What would cause a grown man to shoot down an innocent child in the street after being told not to pursue him?? Why have police officers chosen to turn a blind eye to the public outrage for such a brutal killing? Sadly, we already know the answers to the above questions. It was his race. His "suspicious" demeanor. Who knew a wearing a hoody and carrying skittles and a sweet tea home to your brother categorized a person as suspicious? If that's the case, I'm sure many of us, myself included, should have been gunned down long ago after a store run. What's worse, is that Zimmerman is trying to claim self defense, even though he pursued Trayvon, who was just trying to make his way home. In Florida, there is a law called the Stand Your Ground Law. Under this law, Florida residents can use lethal force against an attacker if they feel they are being threatened regardless of where they are. However, Florida lawmakers have found that he is unprotected by this law, since he pursued Trayvon. The question is now what? Zimmerman has gone missing, the local police feel they have no evidence that Zimmerman's claim of self defense, and have washed their hands of it. How many more times will we be in this situation? A mother should never have to bury her child. Take a moment and step outside yourself and imagine being 17 year old Trayvon. Walking up the street being followed by a man you don't know, being overpowered by someone over 100 pounds heavier than yourself, and crying out for help. Dying in the street with a stranger hovering over you with hate in his eyes. We CANNOT let this continue! Our young black men are being targeted, readers. They are being taken out of this world for reasons we don't understand. Because they look suspicious. Because they are being stereotyped. It's time to end it!! We need to come together and take a stand against this racism, since no one will do it for us. To start, please go to change.org and sign the petition to bring this cold hearted killer to justice. So far, 919, 519 signatures have been gathered out of the 1,000,000 needed to complete the online petition, so sign and spread the word! Lastly, we need to pray over our black men, both young and old, that God will keep them close and safe in a world where nothing has changed in the decades since our grandparents, and for some of us, parents, we targeted for the color of their skin. Pray for our leaders, that they will use their power they have to right a serious injustice against an innocent young man. I pray his soul is with God, and pray that we can bring him some peace in trying to get Zimmerman to pay for his impulsive decision to take an innocent life. Take a moment to further the cause. Trayvon is my nephew, your son, cousins, uncles. Trayvon, we support you, and your life was not taken in vain. Sleep well, sweet angel. Please keep his family and friends in your prayers.

We almost had it all, Whitney

Unless you are living under a rock, I'm sure you have heard about the tragic passing of the beautiful icon, Whitney Houston. The sadness eminating on the internet, as well as around the world, is felt by everyone who ever heard this true angel belt out a single note. While her passing has bought us all into the reality that we will not always be a part of this world and to treasure our loved ones, it has also bought out such negativity and judgement. The comments I have seen over the past week have been despicable, ignorant, and disrespectful. We all know Whitney had her personal demons, as we all do. But for her name to be slandered in such a way after her passing is not only wrong, but disrespectful to her memory. Over the years, the only view I personally had of Whitney Houston was a beautiful, talented, God-fearing woman who, like all of us, lost her way. At this point in her life, I'm sure fans turned their back on her. But I never left, even though she'd never know it. Her songs sang the words of my life. The words that I could never find a way to express. The words I was so afraid to say. They sang to my broken heart. My crushed spirit. My Christian soul. Her body of work is something that will always be remembered long after we are all gone. To me, Whitney was the epitome of everything we'd like to be when it's all said and done, and we can learn a life lesson from her. A young girl from Newark, New Jersey with humble beginnings and a special gift from God. She did not waste or rest on her gift. She worked to become the black icon she was, and even facing more no's than yesses, she perserved to become a shining example of what you can accomplish with focus, dedication, and faith. To those who were slinging mud on her name, I am truly sorry for you, and I will pray for you. The perfection you believe you possess will only bring you low in life. To point out someone elses flaws, while harboring your own and doing nothing about them is hypocritical to the highest extent, and God will show you that. I admire Governor Christie's decision to have flags flown at half mast today, because she truly was a hero in both the Black community, and the world. You don't have to lose your life fighting for our country to be a hero. To our newest angel, Whitney: I only wish that as I progress in life, I can carry myself with half the amount of dignity and grace you did while being constantly scrutinized by the public eye. You are a beautiful icon of what everyone should try to be, and a shining example that nothing is impossible, and I think I can speak for everyone in saying we will truly miss you, and are praying for your family and loved ones at this time. We will never forget your voice, your discipline, your dedication to your craft, and the sacrifices you made for our enjoyment. We love you, sweet angel. Take your wings, good and faithful servant. You earned your rest. "Off you go Whitney, off you go. Escorted by an army of angels to your heavenly Father. When you sing before him, don't you worry. You'll be good enough." -Kevin Costner
-NaturallyNikki

What Makes A Person A Good Catch??

Owning a home. No children. Religious. Good job. College Educated. What makes a person a good catch? I was having a conversation with a friend about my dating life (or present lack of it) and he asked me "what do you bring to the table?" I automatically started rambling off my attributes, as I have so many times. "I live alone, have no kids, go to church, have a good job, I'm in school...." and before I could finish, he said "wait. All you're saying is what you have. All that says is that you can take care of yourself. But what are you bringing to the table??" So I stopped and thought: what attributes do I have that make me a catch?? Then I started again. "I'm funny, I'm smart, caring, I like to try new things, I'm open minded (sometimes), and I know how to treat people. I deserve a good man", and waited for his response. He said "you're right, you do." I kinda just sat there thinking. What DOES make a person a good catch?? Is it material things that matter? Or is it a combination of the things they have acquired, and their personal attributes? Personally, I believe it is a combination of the two. You cannot have one without the other. The material things you have been able to procure on your own speak for you at a first meeting. Not because of how they look or how expensive they are, but because it shows that you can take care of yourself, and that you are a provider. What person, male or female, doesn't want that in a potential life mate?? I believe that a persons' personal attributes are more important than anything, but sadly the external is what catches the eye first, especially for men. But with this view, a different problem comes into play, and this is the main point of this post. If a person is average, or in some cases, below average physically, how do you know what they are bringing to the table, if they aren't even on your radar? For instance, an average woman who dresses nicely, but not expensively and carries herself well but isn't exactly "cool" will most likely not get the attention she feels she deserves. But IF someone took the time to get to know her they might find that she is ambitious, smart, hard working, funny, sweet, etc. This goes back to the old adage I'm sure we have all heard from our parents at one time or another: don't judge a book by its' cover. It is my opinion that we as human beings are way too caught in the external and physical attributes a person has. In one of my communications course, we are learning about perceptions, and one concept relates directly to the topic at hand. It is called Interaction Appearance Theory. This theory helps to explain how people's feelings towards someone's physical appearance changes the more they interact with someone. The theory suggests that as we get to know people through positive situations and interactions, we find them more socially attractive, which leads to a greater physical attraction. Have you ever dated someone who at first wasn't very attractive in your eyes, and once you got to know them and found out something about them (they were funny, you share common interests) you found yourself liking them a little more, and as time went on, you found out they were your type? Sometimes the best relationships are founded on this occurence. To sum up my thoughts, we should ALL make it a practice to look deeper than what a person has to offer physically. We may all be pleasantly suprised. That person you usually wouldn't give the time of day to is deserving of another look. You never know what is lying beneath the surface. -NaturallyNikki

Is Natural Hair vs. Relaxed Hair the New Light Skinned vs. Dark Skinned In the Black Community?

I'm sure everyone has seen School Daze. If not, stop right here, pop yourself on the hand for not seeing such a great, classic movie, and go watch it!! Moving on, there was a scene in the movie called "The Wannabees vs. The Jigga-Boos". The "Jigga-Boos" were the dark skinned females with natural hair, and the Wannabees were the light skinned girls with relaxers. In this scene, it was a continual back and forth argument tearing each other down for their differences. Today, does this still go in in reality? Sad to say, yes it does. In my opinion, it has increased recently with the natural hair "movement". I use movement loosely, because I personally believe it isn't a temporary fad, but a lifestyle change that isn't going to end with the recent influx of females making the choice to go natural. I've been natural for almost 21 months now, and can't count how many times I have heard negative comments about my hair, from an ex boyfriend when I first BC'ed, up until my hair got some length and I started receiving these comments from friends and co workers. However, it wasn't until recently someone said to me that they feel natural haired females think they are "better" than females who still choose to perm their hair. And no, not just some of us, but ALL of us. This revelation is news to me, because I have never once looked down on any female for her personal decision as to how she choose to wear her hair, and I expect the same respect in return. But this topic is deeper than hair. It's only scratching the surface of the true issue: why do we as black people feel the need to bring each other down? There are so many other rivalries happening between us: East Coast vs. West Coast, Caribbean vs. African, Light Skin vs. Dark Skin....which brings me to the meaning of this blog: is this natural hair/relaxed hair rivalry the new light skin vs. dark skin in the black community? Obviously I couldn't answer the question on my own, so I recruited the help of a few friends and family members to give me their input. Coincidentally, they all turned out to be males. Before I go into the discussions, I need to give a special thanks to Eric, Stephen, JB, and Sterling. Alright, lets do it.
Since Eric was the first person to volunteer, let's start with him. I have to say, this was my favorite person so far to question, because he was questioning me back with some good questions! I asked him did he have any experiences in his life he felt were directly connected to him being a brown skinned man. The answer really surprised me. He says he noticed that he got popped on his hand as a child when he did something wrong, whereas his darker family members got an actual beating. I can't say I have personally been spared a punishment because of my complexion, but my sister and I aren't really that far apart complexion wise. I was just the good child (hee hee!) The other things he has noticed in his life is that in New York, it's harder to catch a cab if you are dark skinned. Racial profiling at its' finest. Why is it that people deem light skin as pretty and safe? Black in Merriam Webster's dictionary is defined as "the absence of light, dirty, soiled, thorougly sinister or evil, indicative of condemnation or discredit". With a definition like that, how can anyone view black as positivity?? Add to this definition the fact that racism is alive and well within our OWN community, and it's evident as to why we don't get the respect we deserve among other races. If racism is something we want to rid ourselves of, it has to start amongst ourselves. When I questioned him about the topic of natural hair, and how he viewed it he informed me that his sister is natural. His opinion on natural women is that they seem more confident than women who relax their hair and/or wear weaves. This comment is in no way bringing down females who relax their hair. I relaxed my hair faithfully every 6 weeks for at least 13 years myself. To elaborate on this, I called in my friend Sterling, Mr. Tell It Like It Is HIMSELF! He doesn't sugar coat his thoughts, so if you're sensitive, stop reading now. BUT, you will be missing out on the most eye opening part of the blog post. I asked him how did he feel about the natural hair/relaxed hair animosity, and he replied "some women with permed hair are highly insecure!" I can contest to this. I had my issues when I had long shoulder length straight hair, but when I cut it, I didn't have anything to hide behind anymore! I had to face myself and everything I didn't like about myself head on from that point, and I learned to love it. Not saying this is the case for everyone, but it was a huge life changer for me. He also stated "the loudest one in the room is the weakest one in the room." That speaks volumes! Did you catch it?? Read it again. The person who always has something negative to say (relaxed or natural) is the one who secretly wishes they had the confidence the other had. I know that means a lot to us, ladies. Not only referring to natural or permed hair, but females in general. We are known for bringing each other down with rude comments, when really we wish we had what the next person does. Being as though most people relate perms more to  light skinned females, & natural hair to brown skinned females, it's technically the same aspect with different perspectives! DEEP!! Took me a while to understand that, but it is a profound thought. The light skinned/dark skinned "rivalry" goes beyond hair, straight into the job market & ideals of the so called "American Dream". I don't think that needs explanation. That Morehouse education, ladies and gentleman. (that plug was for you, Sterling).  Do you recall in the 70's everyone was natural?? In the 80's, the relaxer came into play more. Around this time, natural females were probably saying relaxed females thought they were better. MAJOR role reversal! (thanks Stephen). Last, but not least, I questioned my cousin J.B. When he attended Howard University, he noticed there was tension between natural/relaxed females, just as there was (and is) with light vs. dark. He has been out of school since 1994, but even at work it is still evident that the tension exists. He believes that natural hair can enhance a woman's style, just as a perm can, or take away from it. Therfore, no certain trend is better than the other. It is your OWN perception of yourself. I strongly believe this animosity and lines we as a race have drawn are non existent. We are the only race that are like crabs in a barrel. If we feel an individual is doing better than us, instead of using their success as a motivation to get ourselves together, we use all of our energy to bring them back down to the level WE believe they should be on. Why do we feel a person with light skin is better than a person with darker skin? Or believe because a female who is natural says its about embracing our culture thinks she is better than a female who relaxes her hair? Our own minds, along with what we have been accustomed to believe have us fighting each other for no reason. But, why do females feel the need to relax their hair? Is it to assimiliate the European standard of beauty? Why can't I wear my hair the way it was created without being judged? Why is it because I take pride in my hair, it's seen as looking down on someone who relaxes her hair? We as a race need to stop drawing these invisible lines between each other and come together and support each other! If it isn't stopped now, this debate will be one of many already adding to the dissension we have in the Black Community. -NaturallyNikki

You're A Side Chick, KNOW YOUR ROLE!!

This post was inspired by the last episode of Love & Hip Hop. If you saw it, I'm sure the same thing became just as clear to you as it did to me. Yandy seemed to be a LITTLE bit too emotional over how Jim was spending his money on his fiance Chrissy, which led me to believe that she messed around with him at one point in time and caught feelings when Jimmy's love for Chrissy became more and more obvious to her. My question is, why get upset? If they were indeed sleeping together, Jim seems like the kind of guy to put his cards on the table from the jump. In every day life, why does this seem to be the occurrence? First off, the fact that a man is spoken for automatically means he is off limits. I don't care if he's "only" in a relationship, or married and miserable, separated, etc. He's still OFF LIMITS until his status is single. Ladies, we need to ask ourselves what it is that makes us seem its okay to pursue a man who is involved (not me personally, but you get it). A man who cheats on his woman with you is not deserving of you or his significant others' time. Remember this: if he cheats with you, he will cheat ON you! A leopard doesn't change his spots. He may be able to hide them for a while, but they will eventually show. Now, I'm aware of this supposed "black man shortage", but to me that just means you need to expand your horizons. Date other races, date the man you would usually overlook. There are too many men and too many risks to be okay with sharing a man. Along with that, being with a man who is already involved says a lot about you, your morals, and your own lack of self esteem and self respect. But if the side piece is something you must do for whatever reason, please play your position. Don't get caught up and start catching feelings because you are a SIDE CHICK. I'll break down those rules later. I was in a situation where my boyfriend was cheating on me with another woman (I use that term very loosely) and not only was she not being discreet by posting his initials all over her facebook page, but she was calling and texting my phone, harassing me at my job, just acting all strung out. So what did I do, you ask? I took off my earrings and went in! KIDDING. I let her have him. There is no better revenge than to let him go. Because eventually she will learn all that I had to put up with in our relationship. Because why? If he cheats on me, he will cheat on her. It's as simple as that. Why do women feel its okay to be sneaking around with someone elses' man? Is it the thrill of not being caught? Maybe the feeling that they have someone elses' man because  "she isn't doing her job at home". Or the benefits on having a so called "relationship" without the drama of actually being in one. Whatever the reason is, newsflash: IT'S WRONG! I'm a firm believer in what goes around, comes around, and it comes around twice as hard. So enjoy the peace while it lasts with your "man" because it will be very short lived.
Now gentleman, why do you find the need to have a woman on the side? If you aren't happy, wouldn't it be better for everyone involved to just walk away from the relationship? What are you keeping the woman around for if you are miserable enough to go outside of the relationship for a distraction? I think I already know the answer to this question: even though your girl isn't making you happy, you know she's a catch, and don't want to see her doing better by herself, or with someone else. Or you don't know what you want to do, so why not keep her hanging until you make a decision. What she doesn't know won't her, but when she finds out, it WILL hurt you, and possibly a few of your possessions, if she has a Waiting to Exhale moment. Honesty is always the best way to go. No hurt feelings, no damaged property (lol) and no investigations. Yes, men, we do investigate. You may not know this, because we're just that smooth, but it happens.
For those of you women who insist on being a man's number two (because that is what your are. I'm sorry. Someone had to say it.) here are the rules YOU need to follow:

1. Don't be one! That's pretty self explanatory, don't you think? Moving on.

2. Play your position. Don't think because he's boning you on the regular that you have girlfriend privileges. Your privileges run out when he showers and leaves.

3. Don't expose all to the girlfriend because you're feeling salty! I cannot reiterate this enough! You know the deal from day one, and if you caught feelings that's something you have to deal with on your own. Don't try to ruin her life because you broke one of the rules and thought you were going to be wifey soon. You will NOT be wifey. Why would a man gamble on being serious with a woman who gave it up knowing he was involved? I rest my case.

4. Don't post pictures with you and the cheater--I mean man--for everyone to see. It makes you look dumb, because everyone knows who the real deal is, and it may end up causing you some harm if she see's it.

5. Remember holidays, birthdays etc. are reserved for girlfriends, not you. If you want someone to spend holidays with, go and get your own. In the rare instance that you don't know you are the side chick, I have a little something for you from Tionna Smalls "Girl, Get Your Mind Right!" Now this isn't for side chicks, but I guess you all need help to. On a holiday (Christmas/Thanksgiving etc.), tell your "man" you want him to spend the holiday with you and your family. Don't give him any specific time. Now wait and see if he shows up, has an excuse, or comes by late or early so he can leave early. That means he either spent the day with his real lady, or is coming early so he can spend the time where he belongs.

To close, who really wants to have to go through all of this? All the effort you have to put in sneaking around, you can put towards finding a man who appreciates your value and you won't have to be his little secret. Think on that next time you want to call him but can't, or are sneaking out after a late night creep. -NaturallyNikki

You're Cute, For A Big Girl

The picture above is me on vacation in Chicago this past summer. Maybe I'm a little biased (okay, a lot biased) but I always think I'm a sexy jamocha chocolate drop. However, I cannot count on all of my fingers and toes the times that I have heard the idioacy that is the combination "You're cute for a big girl." Nothing has the power to send me flying off the handle than those nonsensical words. Recently, someone told me "when I saw you, I thought you were cute. I have a thing for big girls." What popped into my head after the idea that I could probably take him out with no one even noticing my presence was, 'what does that mean?' Maybe it's just my naive, everyone is special and valuable way of thinking, but if you're cute, you're cute. THAT'S IT! Big, small, short, tall: cute is cute, right?? Apparently not. What I can't quite wrap my head around is when people got so caught up on the physical. I mean, I know its necessary to be attractive to your significant other, but is that all that counts? This topic has always caused me so much confusion and descension, so I had to call in some male perspective on the subject. I asked a male friend of mine what is it with men and this "cute for a big girl lunacy?? The answer I received honestly shocked me a little. He said "men are being exposed to what is sexy. Skinny is what the media says is sexy. So being bigger (notice he didn't say big, but BIGGER, meaning not the "norm") is not popular. Just like when people tell you "you have long hair for a black girl." No you didn't read it wrong. Check it again. I'll wait.....you saw it right?? Can we all just give him props right now for that deep comparision? I truly never even connected the two! Me being the hair fanatic that I am, that really hit home for me. So it isn't so much the size of the woman, but moreso what the media says the norm should be. Men tend to go after the more "model" type of person, but at the end of the day they always end up going back to the thicker girl for multiple reasons: they find that the "model type/video chick" isn't what she seemed to be at first, doesnt know how to properly keep a home, is used to having her way with men, etc. and it just doesn't work out. Its like when you are trying to buy a car: a you going to purchase the car because it's what is advertised and you see it everywhere? Or are you going to check the car out? What's the mileage? How does it run? Is it dependable and reliable? Not saying that the thinner woman cannot be all of these things, but the point I'm trying to make is when you are looking for a soul mate you have to look beyond what is on the outside. It is the total package that makes a person lovable and who they are. When it comes to women, men bring a woman's name up that they are seeing, and if they don't get the reaction they are looking for, then its on to the next. From the conversation, I learned that everything is based on their friends' opinions and the media until they reached a certain level of maturity. So these men who find it necessary to point out your size when they are trying to approach you are not even at the level you as a woman need for him to be, so you already know what to do. Keep it moving and eventually a man will come who will accept you, flaws and all, show you off, and love you for all of you! -NaturallyNikki

"I Like Them, But They Got Kids"

We've all been there before. You're in the mall and spot someone you think is attractive. So you size them up and try to gather some clues before approaching them. Nice hair, dressed nice, cute, and when you're about to approach, a little person runs in their direction, and you're stuck. Yup, they have kids. I'd be lying if I said this moment doesn't happen to me ALL the time. (Probably why im still single)
Moving on, a few years ago I had just met someone and we were going through the Getting to Know Phase. You know, phone calls, text messages, "what's your favorite color? No, you hang up", phase. So as we're getting to know each other I'm going down my checklist. Has a job? Cool. In college? That's a plus. Goes to church? I like that. And....he has a child. UGH. Now I can't lie, in my younger days, this was a deal breaker. I'd been there, done that, and didn't ever want to do it again. I was ready to run for the door like I always do when my sister said "Nikki, you're getting older. The older you get, the harder its going to be to find a man without children, and you could end up missing out on something special all because of that one issue." I heard her, but my mentality was if I could manage to stay without kids this long, then there had to be men somewhere who also stayed without children. But, she was right. It is VERY rare for both men and women to not have children already coming into a relationship. So, what now? I've dated three men in my past who had children, and it was nothing short of a disaster. The first relationship I got so close to his daughter, when we broke up I took it twice as hard. The last two men I dated with children never had time for me because it was always something coming up. They couldn't find a babysitter, their child was sick, and if I came over their place to spend time, it was a constant battle for attention. Then comes the baby mama/baby daddy drama, which is enough to bring the most sophisticated person down to their lowest level. So, needless to say, these experiences have left a bitter taste in my mouth. On one side, I should be happy the man is standing up and taking care of his children, but at the same time, I can't understand what he is going through as a parent because I've made it a point not to have children for the reasons stated above. Is dating a man or a woman with a child settling? Or is that the norm these days, and are these expectations unrealistic? I've come to the conclusion that while I do prefer a man without children, a man having a child cannot be a reason for me to run. I have to get to know him, and make a decision from there, even if I have my personal feelings about dating a man with children because of my past experiences. But he'd have to be something special. Men, I haven't forgotten you. I have a few male friends who always say there are no women without children. I see why the feel that way, because there ARE a lot of women with children as well. So, what do you do when you are interested in someone who has a child? Will you look past that issue if you like the person enough, or not even bother? Have you had any good/bad experiences with dating someone with children?? Has that swayed your choice to date someone of the opposite sex with children in the future? -NaturallyNikki

Interracial Dating-Yay or Nay??

Alright ladies (and gentlemen, if you're reading) I heard that. It was a universal sigh from everyone who is tired of the topic, or tired of all the good ones being "stolen" away by that chick who sware she so fly, or that dude who has no rhythm. I KNOW, but just read! Why is interracial dating such a hot button these days? In my opinion, if you are color blind and see a person for their beauty, their attributes, mind, and all their good points, then kudos to you. Love is not limited to a color. I know we've all heard (or at least I have) "if she/he can't use your comb, don't bring him/her home!" While my grandparents always said this jokingly, they instilled in me that if the person made me happy and treated me how I'm accustomed to being treat, he could be yellow, pink, maroon, lime green with a streak of bright orange in his hair, and they wouldn't care, and I support that completely. However, this is more than once side to the race issue. While I do support interracial dating, the one thing I CANNOT stand is once someone begins to date outside of their own race, they start to down that race. For example, when a black man dates outside of his race, some (NOWHERE NEAR ALL) will say "ugh black women just so loud. They ghetto they always so angry and tough. I can't stand em!" Or black women will date outside their race and all of the sudden its "yeah, he treats me SOOOO much better than black men do! Black men always lying, playing games, and cheating. They don't wanna work. I can do bad all by myself!" Take it from a sista who has been played out, hurt, broken and everything else in my dating life, I have been through the "I hate black men" phase. But once I got over the initial pain, I was already to go back into the dating game again, with a black man.k It's a preference, but if I were to see someone of a different race I was interested in, I would also give him a chance. People, these stereotypes are not just designated to a certain race, but more so a certain type of person, and if you are constantly attracting that person over and over, its time to take a good hard look in the mirror and ask yourself (write this down) *ahem* 'WHAT AM I DOING TO KEEP ATTRACTING THIS PERSON??' I don't believe that the person you attract is the same person you are, but I do believe that you attract what you have already engrained in your mind that you will settle for. As women, we tend to wear our emotions on our sleeve and all over our face, and not only that, but we radiate those feelings so strongly that Ray Charles can see what we got goin' on! Men know when you are lonely, desperate, sad, and if you show this, they WILL jump on the opportunity to hurt you. Once again, not all men, but some.  So it has nothing to do with the color of their skin, but more so their morals, and their respect for others.   This is getting a little off topic, but you know what I mean. All of this to say open your mind! If you do, you could be pleasantly surprised. And if not, you will at least have an interesting story, and a memory. In days like this, we as a people need to stick together and open ourselves to love in a world that is so filled with hate. Ladies (and gentlemen), I know we love us some brothas and sistas, and there is nothing quite like that Gina and Martin, Cliff and Clair Huxtable, Michael and Jay Kyle type of love, but the bottom line is love is love. And its still beautiful. -NaturallyNikki

Natural Hair And Acceptance

9:07 A.M. Monday morning, I'm sitting at my desk. Hardly functioning downing my regular cup of 7-11 coffee when SHE walks in. The hater. The woman who can be my friend one minute, and turn coats the next. I brace myself as I wait for her usual "Nick Nick!" good morning yell. The one that leaves me thinking "it is entirely too early to be so loud". Hours go by, and I haven't heard any of her usual rude comments about my choice to embrace my natural hair, and I think, 'maybe, just maybe she won't bother today.' WRONG. She leaves her cubicle, walks to mine and asks me how her hair looks. I say 'its okay'. What else am I supposed to say? My grandmother taught me if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. So that has been my standard answer over the months. She responds, "it's okay? That's it? I don't know why I asked you. Your hair always looks a mess!" Okay, now the gloves are off! I said' "it's fine if you think that. I didn't go natural for you, so if you don't like it, the world is still spinning." Of course she was ready with her comeback: "I know you don't care, but I just think black women should have straight hair like white women. I mean, my sister is natural and her hair is soooo soft and healthy! But it just looks a mess." I replied "well, God gave me this hair for a reason and I'm gonna rock it, and I don't care who doesn't like it. If you don't like it, don't look." Now, I tried to keep it professional, and I believe I succeeded. However, had it been outside of work, the earrings would have come off, and I would have said some things that would require me to be in church for the rest of the year to be forgiven. How many of us have been ridiculed by our boyfriends, friends, co workers, family members or even strangers who don't understand the choice to go natural? Has this ever swayed your decision, or made you consider going back to the creamy crack?? People need to learn that the natural hair "movement" (even though I don't believe it is simply a movement, or something for right now) is about more than hair. It is about embracing ourselves as a whole, and being comfortable with everything about ourselves. Personally, when I did my big chop, I cried like a baby. I thought I looked horrible, and no one would want to deal with me with only an inch of hair on my head. My boyfriend at the time kept commentin, "are you going to get your hair braided? You have enough hair for braids. You should get it braided up." But from the jump that was not an option. I wanted to rock my fro, and once I got past the bitter feelings, I came to the realization that this WAS me. Short kinky hair, anti-social to an extent, far from skinny, and somewhat insecure. But to me it was like the one thing I was taught was my crowning glory was gone, and I was naked. After this, my true self emerged. I realized I'm funny, outgoing,  sweet, ambitious and BEAUTIFUL, flaws and all. So, its much deeper than hair for me. It's completion and a learning process, and accepting what everyone else says is not acceptable. What are some of your natural hair experiences? Feel free to share! -NaturallyNikki

Welcome to NaturallyNikki!

First off, let me personally say thank you for coming to visit my blog! It will be about a variety of subjects from natural hair care, relationships, entertainment, current events, makeup, fashion, etc. I'm an aspiring writer, hence the blog. Besides, everyone needs something in their lives that keeps them productive, don't you agree? If you have any topics you would like to see covered here, feel free to make them known. I am ALWAYS open to suggestions! -NaturallyNikki